Category: Uncategorized (Page 7 of 39)

Welcoming Fall Differently

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Fall in 2020

Early morning cool as you wave to someone across the street

Leaves starting their journey

Soft jackets with stubborn zippers that match your mask

Football games on televisions with masked cheerleaders

Squirrels getting busier

Chili peppers teasing your nose

Pumpkin carving at a safe distance

New pencils and sharp crayons on the kitchen table

Meeting new characters on television (including teachers)

Early blanket of darkness

Elk are bugling

Socks and sweatshirts and face guards and hand sanitizers

Warm cider and hot tea

A different light in the afternoon

Airing out the quilt and wanting to get underneath it until the election is over

Reading the Farmer’s Almanac

Stocking up on essentials but not buying all the TP on the shelf

Summer’s last gasp and yet it is hard to remember the last 3 months

Laughing by the fire pit at least 6 feet apart

Praying for exhausted doctors, nurses, EMTs

What is Fall for you? A time of exciting new beginnings? Or painful memories from years gone by? Does the cool air energize and inspire you, or do you wish summer’s warmth would linger?  Of course you may live somewhere that offers high temperatures year-round. If so, what does the change of season mean to you?

I’ve always viewed the fall with mixed emotions. As a child, it was the whole back-to-school thing. Then it was the back-to-campus thing during college. Then you “become an adult” and school calendars no longer rule your life. Yet now in this crazy age, I truly sympathize with how a global pandemic has interfered with all the traditions of returning to school, no matter the age. For children, for young people, for teachers, for parents. 

I do hope we can hold on to what is good about Fall.

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I think it’s always been a time to go inward and be still.  Changing leaves. Gorgeous sunsets. A slowing down and taking care.

Now as I am much older, Fall is also symbolic of how quickly things change. How life passes before we’re ready.

Losing an amazing person like Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a strong reminder.  She didn’t sit around and wait for things to change.  She changed them. And she didn’t stop when she grew older.  What an inspiration!  We owe it to her to stay active, involved, and engaged in what is going on in this world.

We owe it to her to VOTE for decency, honesty, fairness, integrity, intelligence, and empathy—things that must be brought back to the White House if we are to survive.   Because the time to do so is NOW.

We don’t live forever. We can make plans and look ahead but we must not let time get away from us. We need to take the trip today, tell someone we love him or her today, have dessert first today.

We should not “postpone our joy”.

Fall is a new season. But I think inside, it’s also our cue to pull the blanket around us and warm up to our lives.

Luckily, as boomers, we have a lot of kindling.

“There is a pearl in every season. Find it. Then give all you have to claim it.”

       Joan Sauro

“I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Learning lessons in the midst of a pandemic.

Learning is never easy, and sometimes it can be quite unpleasant. We go through periods of our life that feel like one long workbook page that we can’t ever turn over. And as baby boomers and beyond, we’re apt to be a bit weary of learning new things.

Do we really want to know how to operate that latest gadget? Can’t we just send a word document without mastering a client’s internal dashboard? Why are there so many buttons in our cars that we can’t figure out how to turn off the bright lights?

In other words, haven’t we earned the right to be turtles?

To just pull in ourselves when things get too complicated and stay inside our shell, and let the world go on around us…assuming if something really interesting or important comes up, someone will tell us.

Well we can. But it’s not healthy. Sitting is supposed to be the new smoking. Sitting still too much just makes our whole body feel heavy, lethargic, and stiff. Sitting still means we aren’t exercising our brains, not reading new books and articles that could enrich our lives, and not considering there might actually be a new and better way to do something.

And more often than not, our sitting still means we’re burdening someone else unfairly. We’re too lazy to even try to read the owner’s manual, we just let someone else figure it out for us. We don’t take the time to go on a website and read about all the new phone options, we just ask our younger relatives to go with us to buy one. Getting advice is great. Giving up isn’t.

Hey, we’ve earned our right to take it easy, and even opt out of some things in this new world. But if we want to really be alive, if we want to stay as healthy physically and mentally as we can, we have to stay engaged and connected to what is going on. We have to keep moving. We have to keep learning. We have to keep participating.

Research confirms that over the years, our brains continue to change, building pathways and becoming more adept at seeing the “big picture”—in many cases, able to arrive at solutions faster than younger counterparts.

Research also shows that it’s really the “stretching” of the mind that holds the real value.  For example, debating familiar concepts with others.  Tackling a problem from a different angle.  Or even just altering your routine by walking a new path, playing the piano with only your less-dominant hand, or conversing in a foreign language.

And what is the pandemic teaching us? It’s different for every person. For some, it’s how much they really need other people. Others have realized how important it is to get out each day and do something productive. Many boomers are rediscovering hobbies or trying new ones. Re-reading the classics. Writing that song or memoir.

Baby boomers don't sit still!  Get up and keep going and rock the wrinkle!

Maybe most importantly, many of us are really learning patience. Cooperation. Acceptance. Understanding. How to slow down, without becoming a turtle.

We really are all in this together. But that also means we each have to take care of our physical and mental health as best we can. And cut each other a break. Especially those who are ill, worrying about someone who is ill, or taking care of someone who is ill.

It could be us.

Let’s keep moving, keep helping, keep looking forward. Don’t hide in that shell. Get out and rock that wrinkle like your life depends on it…because it just might!

Put on the mask.

Like many people, I’m not feeling as mentally stimulated as I’d like. I haven’t been able to be in the physical presence of several people who challenge me, amuse me, or simply share their life story with me. I’m still working, I’m interacting with many intelligent and interesting people, but it’s all from a distance.

I’m running out of fun things to do with salmon and new ways to pep up rice. Routine, which can be a friend sometimes, is becoming a boring taskmaster. I want to talk to friends, but when I do, I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to say. There’s only one time when the words come fast and strong:

When I see someone without a mask in public.

My problem? Maybe. But it’s not just my problem. It’s the problem of anyone that person comes into contact with. Yes, there are some for who medical reasons cannot wear masks. But they are not the majority. I will never understand why this had to become a badge of stubborn pride…to be so cavalier with other people’s lives. You wouldn’t walk around with a cobra on your head, ready to pounce, would you?

Then why won’t you put on a mask?

I know there are people who don’t think this virus is a big deal. I’d like to introduce them to those who’ve spent 4 weeks on a ventilator and have to learn to walk again. Or those who have lost a parent or spouse with no warning. All ages, all physical types, all levels of health and fitness. If you could do something to prevent that, wouldn’t you?

I know this isn’t a fun topic. My apologies, at the moment, it’s the best I can do. We boomers and beyond have a well-earned wisdom. Let’s use it. What a gift to help another person stay safe. We’re asking younger people to do it for us, so let’s do it for one another.

So much angst, so much anger, so much pride…it’s all meaningless at some point. I sincerely wish you, your family and loved ones, and your friends good health and well-being. I guess I just also wish that everyone would just, for the next month at least, do something that could save a life.

Seriously, how often do you get to do that??

“Never doubt that a few caring people can’t change the world. For indeed, that’s all who ever have.” Margaret Meade

“If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” Fred Rogers

Meeting loved ones where they are: at home or in lockdown.

The world is changing in every way. Yet while many of us are faced with the same challenges as before, it can just feel much harder when you feel confined within four walls. Living with or taking care of someone with dementia or other cognitive issues is never easy, especially now.

And often it’s even harder:  not being able to visit a loved one due to a lockdown of a community. Or, attempting to have a conversation through a glass window or door.

When we love someone, and we see her or him slipping away from us (physically or mentally), it can be so hard.  It can leave you feeling helpless, and often, angry.

If your mother or father ever suffered or suffers from Alzheimer’s or dementia, you know how hard it can be to have conversations.  Their reality is not the same as yours, and the challenge of trying to adjust to that on the spot can be hard for many adult children.  And if your visits are currently limited to a wave from outdoors, the guilt and frustration can be overwhelming.

When my mother’s mind began to fade, she was convinced another woman lived in the house and the clothes in a particular closet were evidence of this.  She also would become angry and want to know why I had not come home from school on time (I was fully grown).  Many times, she was convinced she saw her mother in the room (her mother had died many, many years before).

It hurt and confused my father, and could make him angry.  It frightened some people.  And while it could break my heart, I learned a very valuable lesson about communicating with someone with memory challenges..

Don’t argue.

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It’s hard for many adult children to accept this.  They feel it’s their duty to correct Dad when he says he has to get back with the squadron before it takes off.  Or remind Mom that Dad is no longer alive and she shouldn’t set an extra place for him.  Or stubbornly demand a parent remember everything correctly when the simple medical fact is, they can’t.   You do.  But they don’t.

 If all your mother or father has left is the life they live in their minds, because physically they can no longer garden, run, travel, cook, or repair the car, let them have those moments of peace.  And if your parent is upset about something that just isn’t true (such as how he or she needs to go the bus stop right now and go home), instead of arguing, why not just redirect the conversation into a pleasant memory or topic.

Things change for all of us as we grow older.  For someone with dementia, the changes are frightening and lonely.  I have watched a lot of futile arguments and the results are everyone is miserable.  But when you can just go with the flow, nod your head and smile, and redirect the topic of conversation, things go much better.

Because I believe even as our minds go, one very important thing still is true:     we all want to be heard.

Alzheimer’s Association offers this advice for helping your loved one communicate:

  • Be patient and supportive.  Let your loved one know you’re listening, show you care about what he or she is saying, and don’t interrupt.
  • Offer comfort and reassurance.  If they can’t communicate, let them know it’s okay.
  • Avoid criticizing or correcting.  Instead, try to find the meaning of what was said.
  • Avoid arguing.  Even if you don’t agree with what was just said, let it go.  Arguing just increases agitation.
  • Encourage unspoken communication.  Ask your loved one if they can point, or gesture, if they are having trouble communicating.
  • Limit distractions.  Try to have your visit in a quiet place so he or she can focus on what they are trying to say.
  • Focus on feelings, not facts.  It’s the emotions that count, not the facts.

Of course trying to do some of these things through a window of an assisted living or memory care community is even harder. But there are some tips from experts on how to stay in touch during these difficult times.

If your loved one can communicate by phone, try to keep a regular schedule for your calls.  Same for visits…if every Tuesday at 10 a.m. is a good time, put it on your calendar and let your parent’s caregivers know that’s when you’ll be there.  Drop off letters and packages…get the grandchildren involved in making something your loved one can put on the wall or keep to remind them of you. Frame a fun photo. (Do remember to follow cleaning tips with everything you make and deliver. ) Make use of online chats if possible. 

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Easier said than done I know.  But remember you are not alone. Check out caregiver support groups online or talk to a friend or spouse.  Even in these times, help is out there if you look for it. Go for a walk and let yourself relax.  Take care of yourself as much as you can, and maybe you’ll find it a bit easier to meet your loved ones where they are.

“The first duty of love is to listen.”

       Paul Tillich

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