How do we guard our time?
When it seems we have so little of it to ourselves, how do we smartly and politely stand our ground when asked to take on extra tasks or chores that eat into our private moments?
As people over 50, we most likely have served on countless committees and cleanup crews, manned registration tables and put up signs, taken down displays and more…many times on a Saturday, or an evening, holiday, or other time period when we’d rather be elsewhere.
I don’t consider this the same as true volunteering or philanthropic efforts that truly benefit those in need. If I have a warm place to sleep and food in my refrigerator, you bet I can get up early or stay late and help someone less fortunate. Volunteering is not only the right thing to do, it’s energizing and uplifting.
I’m talking more about those requests that are far less dire…events or things that have nothing to do with survival or quality of life. Times when it feels that the person asking has not prepared adequately and now needs you to fill in. Or when someone won’t call upon those who said they were on board, but aren’t showing up, and didn’t inform anyone.
That bothers me. Maybe it’s a major character flaw, but so be it. It just feels like the same people get asked time after time to save a situation, while the masses happily skip off to whatever it is they suddenly need to do.
Do you ever feel like you’re the dependable one, so you’re always at the top of the list? And if so, why is it you feel guilty when you actually occasionally (but I’m guessing rarely) say no to one of these requests?
Helping out and pitching in is great.
Being taken advantage of is not.
Asking someone to help you out of a jam is fine.
Asking the same person constantly because you either think he or she has nothing better to do, or because you’re not willing to ask someone who threatens you, is unfair.
In fact, I think it’s terrible.
Maybe we all need life-sized cardboard cutouts we can carry around with us, and when we spot a “user” approaching us, we can hold up our cutout and block their path.
There’s nothing wrong with saying no. Giving yourself a pass on something that doesn’t feel right. Choosing to spend your free time as you choose, even if that means you’re not “doing” a lot. You don’t have to be married or a parent or grandparent to have a busy life. If there’s anything getting older teaches us, it’s how precious our time is.
We’re supposed to help each other. But we’re also supposed to take care of ourselves. It’s a fine line.
Here’s some words to consider by poet Naomi Shihab Nye:
The Art of Disappearing
When they say Don’t I know you?
say no.
When they invite you to the party
remember what parties are like
before answering:
Someone telling you in a loud voice
they once wrote a poem.
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.
Then reply.
If they say We should get together
say Why?
It’s not that you don’t love them anymore.
You’re trying to remember something
too important to forget.
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.
Tell them you have a new project.
It will never be finished.
When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
When someone you haven’t seen in ten years
appears at the door,
don’t start singing him all your new songs.
You will never catch up.
Walk around feeling like a leaf.
Know you could tumble any second.
Then decide what to do with your time.
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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