listen Archives %- – Rock The Wrinkle

When did listening become a rare….very rare….talent?

Probably about the same time selfies became the only way to experience anything.

Can we truly not sit still for 5 minutes, letting another person bare their soul, without already coming up with what we want to say, that so often is about us, and not them?

I confess it really bothers me. I so treasure the people in my life who actually want to hear what is happening in my life, listen to me when I’m in need of another person’s understanding, and not immediately make it relate to them. And if I’m honest, I only know a few who will do that. Research says humans generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate. I have a feeling political candidates in a debate listen about 5% of the time, if that much.
Being a good friend (which to me, means listening) is something I work hard at. Because like anyone, I know there are those days when you just need to vent. You need to express your frustration over work or relationships. You want, just for a moment, to get a little empathy for your chronic pain or your work struggles or whatever is vexing you.

Why is it so important? When you really listen to someone, you are taking them seriously. You are showing them respect. You are saying you care without saying a word. That’s something we all want—to be heard, to be acknowledged.

So if you need to tell me about something that matters to you, I listen. I look at you, I don’t look around the restaurant at other people. (55% of the meaning of our words is derived from facial expressions.)

I do not look at my phone. (Studies suggest we are distracted and/or preoccupied 85% of the time while we are supposedly listening.)

I do not prepare a dialogue about how all this happened to me only yesterday. (Studies also say we listen at 125-250 words per minute, but we think at 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute. Uh-oh.)

I’m not a saint, and sometimes I do better than others. But I really try to hear you, whether you are a friend, a client, or a stranger who needs directions. And so very often, I don’t get that back. Not even a smidgen. It’s sad.

I think most people are innocent in that they don’t realize what they are doing. We live in such an immediate, reactive, self-absorbed world. We have to take our picture every 5 minutes. We have to let everyone know what we’re doing every 5 minutes via Facebook and Twitter. Our phones are attached to our hands, yet we don’t really communicate with anyone. Instead, we text 4 words and expect an immediate response. We don’t write letters anymore pouring our hearts out and thus we never receive any either.

For most people, finding 10 minutes of quiet in a day—sans a device— is not only impossible, it’s not something they want anyway.

I think we are losing each other. It’s a bit frightening. Maybe the much younger generation is good with all this.

But I’m not.

And I would hope boomers and beyond are not either. Because after we’ve retired, or our spouse or friends have passed away, and our lives have grown much smaller, I think we’ll so desperately want someone to talk to—someone who will just listen to us and let us listen to them.

Who will see us and hear us.

I just pray we remember how.