Category: Staying sane (Page 9 of 12)

Is anybody listening?

10/05/2015 / Laura

When did listening become a rare….very rare….talent?

Probably about the same time selfies became the only way to experience anything.

Can we truly not sit still for 5 minutes, letting another person bare their soul, without already coming up with what we want to say, that so often is about us, and not them?

I confess it really bothers me. I so treasure the people in my life who actually want to hear what is happening in my life, listen to me when I’m in need of another person’s understanding, and not immediately make it relate to them. And if I’m honest, I only know a few who will do that. Research says humans generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate. I have a feeling political candidates in a debate listen about 5% of the time, if that much.
Being a good friend (which to me, means listening) is something I work hard at. Because like anyone, I know there are those days when you just need to vent. You need to express your frustration over work or relationships. You want, just for a moment, to get a little empathy for your chronic pain or your work struggles or whatever is vexing you.

Why is it so important? When you really listen to someone, you are taking them seriously. You are showing them respect. You are saying you care without saying a word. That’s something we all want—to be heard, to be acknowledged.

So if you need to tell me about something that matters to you, I listen. I look at you, I don’t look around the restaurant at other people. (55% of the meaning of our words is derived from facial expressions.)

I do not look at my phone. (Studies suggest we are distracted and/or preoccupied 85% of the time while we are supposedly listening.)

I do not prepare a dialogue about how all this happened to me only yesterday. (Studies also say we listen at 125-250 words per minute, but we think at 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute. Uh-oh.)

I’m not a saint, and sometimes I do better than others. But I really try to hear you, whether you are a friend, a client, or a stranger who needs directions. And so very often, I don’t get that back. Not even a smidgen. It’s sad.

I think most people are innocent in that they don’t realize what they are doing. We live in such an immediate, reactive, self-absorbed world. We have to take our picture every 5 minutes. We have to let everyone know what we’re doing every 5 minutes via Facebook and Twitter. Our phones are attached to our hands, yet we don’t really communicate with anyone. Instead, we text 4 words and expect an immediate response. We don’t write letters anymore pouring our hearts out and thus we never receive any either.

For most people, finding 10 minutes of quiet in a day—sans a device— is not only impossible, it’s not something they want anyway.

I think we are losing each other. It’s a bit frightening. Maybe the much younger generation is good with all this.

But I’m not.

And I would hope boomers and beyond are not either. Because after we’ve retired, or our spouse or friends have passed away, and our lives have grown much smaller, I think we’ll so desperately want someone to talk to—someone who will just listen to us and let us listen to them.

Who will see us and hear us.

I just pray we remember how.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.”

Doug Larson

Celebrating (?) self-improvement month.

08/31/2015 / Laura

September is self-improvement month.

Uh oh. That could be trouble. Or it could be lots of fun.

I’d really like to hear from some of you what you might choose as a goal. Or are you thrilled with the way you are? Let us all know.

For me, it’s already started. I recently completely emptied my closet out and started over. Donated, re-organized, cleaned, re-thought. Wow, did that feel good.

But then, that’s my closet. It’s not me.

So then, I cleaned out three kitchen drawers. Threw away bizarre gadgets that some alien from outer space must have put there (because I have no memory of them). Emptied, cleaned, re-organized.

So that’s an improvement, right? Oh yeah…. those are drawers. Not me.

Guess I have to really look at myself. Am I too set in my ways? Too easily talked into over-indulging in bad food and good wine? Too ready to curse at a clueless driver?

Check, check, and check. Guess I need to work on that.

And how many times a day do I go out of my way to help another person? To smile at a stranger? To cheerfully assist a client who is giving me a migraine? To not sigh in disgust when I watch a political commercial?

Geesh. Will a month be long enough to tackle these character defects?

What about the good things…maybe this is a great time to learn a new hobby. Make a new friend. Volunteer in a new place. Start a new habit that helps the universe.

As boomers and beyond, we’ve spent a lifetime reading self-improvement books. We were around when Evelyn Wood wanted us to read Shakespeare at 500 mph. And Norman Vincent Peale told us to think positively. We learned how to be our best friend.

We worked out. Tuned in. Dropped out. Came back, with a slight limp.

Every night there’s a program on television telling us how to become richer, thinner, and healthier. It’s great, but it can be overwhelming. After all, we’ve already worked our whole lives, raised families, cared for parents, and endured any number of health concerns, tragedies, and heartbreaks.

And now they want us to give up Cheetos and sitting on the couch. Dang.

Instead, why not think about something very small, but very important you could do that would make you feel better about who you are? After all, you deserve to be the best you can—and you deserve to enjoy your life.

You’re older. Wiser. But could you be better? Let us know. And keep rockin’ those wrinkles!

“You are you. Now isn’t that pleasant?”

Dr. Seuss

Losing our fear of the dark.

08/24/2015 / Laura

Why are we still afraid of the dark?

Not the dark closet in our bedrooms where the monsters of childhood hide. Not the darkness outside when you think you just heard footsteps by the gate and you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

I’m talking about the dark or “shadow” places of our souls…where our doubts and worries and resentments and unfilled dreams live.

Surely all that is part of us is good, or at least worthy of inspection. We know we can’t be Happy Howard or Smiling Susie all the time. And as boomers and beyond, we are plenty aware that while we would like to think we’ve worked on all our “issues”, there’s still a whole file cabinet filled with squirming toads in the back of our minds.

So why are we so scared to admit it even exists?

Are the shadow parts of ourselves something we should fear and avoid, or embrace as an invitation to live a full life? To be fully human, and know that light always follows darkness?

Writer, professor and Episcopal priest Barbara Brown Taylor explores this quandary in “Learning to Walk in the Dark.” She says:

“If you are my age, you are losing a lot more things than you once did—not just your keys and your vision, but also your landmarks, but also your sense of sense. You are going to a lot more funerals than before. When you read your class notes in the alumni news, they are shorter and near the top all the time. You know full well where this is heading, but you also know you are not ready yet. So how are you supposed to get ready? …. It is time for a walk in the dark.”

“You have knocked on doors that have not been opened. You have asked for bread and been given a stone. The job that once defined you has lost its meaning; relationships that once sustained you have changed or come to their natural ends. It is time to reinvent everything…it may be time for a walk in the dark.”

Everyone’s “walk” will be unique to what they need to explore, resolve, or even admit to. Is it a passion you let go of?

A love that got away?

A resentment that past abuse or mistreatment robbed you of what you could have been?

The death of a beloved friend or relative?

Or fears about taking the next big step in a relationship or career, or a major change of life?

Taylor talks about how she really does enjoy being outside in the dark. I can relate. We forget how the night can welcome us. How uplifting it can be to study the stars, see a comet grace the sky, or hear an owl’s call under a full moon. As children we loved playing in the dark, that’s when games really took on magic. And when ice cream tasted better. It felt friendly and safe.

Even now, if you haven’t in a long time, try sitting outside in the dark some evening. Feel the breeze. Watch the clouds if there’s enough moonlight. Listen to what the night is saying. Maybe it’s all trying to tell us that we’ll always face times when walking through a dark forest is the only way to get to our destination.

And the only difference between the lovely woods and that dark forest is lack of light…not a new evil presence. So instead of immediately turning on the flashlight, what if we just trust our senses to get through the dark patch, knowing it might get easier each time we did?

In other words, if we let our eyes adjust to the dark…who knows what we might see?

“What makes night within us may leave stars.”

Victor Hugo

Let them have their victory.

08/17/2015 / Laura

They say with age, comes wisdom. I believe that’s’ true. But at times, I want to know exactly what kind of wisdom is it that I’m getting more of each year.

Surely it’s more than realizing I can’t remember what I just wrote down on that slip of paper anymore, much less find the paper. Or that jumping off any surface higher than 6 inches is really not a good idea.

Is it wisdom about not being concerned about what everyone thinks about everything I do? That’s a good thing. Or wisdom that tells me what is really important in life, and what is really not? That helps with not wasting my time on superfluous stuff.

But what about the idea that as you grow wiser, you are expected to be kinder, more forgiving, more championing of the successes of others in your boomer & beyond community…even when it really is hard to do?

Stand by and cheer them on. Be glad for their success. Smile and clap at the right moments. It all sounds so Wayne Dyer-esque. It’s good for us. We know this.

But….

When you hear of someone who just suddenly, basically on a whim, accomplishes something you’ve worked your whole life to do, it’s hard. Even if what this person has done isn’t on the scale that you deem acceptable or have set out to do. They took the “easy” road.

You’re still trying to choose the right entrance ramp.

It’s one thing to be glad for them. It’s another to listen to all the accolades others bestow upon this person and not feel your blood boil.

Oh my. Not sounding much like Mother Teresa, are we?

I don’t like having these feelings. I tell myself I’m not jealous, because I don’t think I am. I guess it’s just that feeling of wanting my efforts recognized somehow, or maybe it’s that after a lifetime of working towards something, I don’t want to look up and see that some other person got there first because they bought the app.

Of course it shouldn’t matter. Even Jesus told a parable about the workers in the fields. So it’s clearly none of my business. And maybe I need to wise up and take a few shortcuts myself.

But I can’t bring myself to do that. There’s just certain areas of life I hold sacred, and while I expect younger generations (cue the sound of dentures falling out) to take the shorter route to everything (they deserve the find their own and better way)…I get upset when fellow boomers and beyond do it.

Go figure. I still expect us all to play fair and be nice to one another. Which of course means I need to do that as well. Without worrying that someone else just figured out how to get there first.

I’m working on it.

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”

Albert Schweitzer