Category: Staying sane (Page 8 of 12)

Self Care After 50.

01/25/2016 /

Most of us boomers and beyond are pretty good at taking care of others. We’ve had enough practice. Whether when raising children, watching over nieces and nephews, or taking care of our parents as their health faded. We know how to wipe chins, listen to tearful confessions, and hold a wrinkled hand.

And yet, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, we often fall short.

photo-1428263197823-ce6a8620d1e1A friend tells us about a situation that is causing pain, and we offer advice. Someone we love worries over an injustice and we bristle over the fact that anyone would hurt our loved one. Yet we find it hard to be as protective of ourselves.

Oh, it will be okay. We’re fine. Yes, it hurt, but we’ll get over it. Oh, we’re sure they didn’t mean to be so rude.

It’s wonderful to be kind and forgiving to others. But why is it sometimes so hard to be that way towards ourselves?

Maybe we forget we even have the power to really be kind to our inner self. We want others’ approval; we want to fit in; we want to do what “is right.” Yet perhaps what we need most right now at this point in our lives is our own approval.

Our own forgiveness.

I doubt anyone gets to the boomer and beyond status without making a few mistakes. Not achieving a goal we just knew we would accomplish. Missing out on a major career opportunity. Letting that true love get away.

So we think we’ve failed.

But I don’t agree. I think that many times, that “wrong road” we took actually was right where we needed to be.

We learned a lot, grew stronger, and probably discovered things about ourselves and others that we would never have known had we been “successful”.

photo-1413920346627-a4389f0abd61There’s a lot to be said for persevering through a tough challenge. And regardless of where we have come from, what matters most is where we are right now. Are we living life as we hoped?

Do we greet each day with anticipation?

Is there a moment of happiness each day, or at least contentment?

Can we find a reason to laugh each day?

And most of all, do we treat ourselves gently, with respect, love, and a little slack?

I think each of us has earned, and deserves, that much. Remember the 1986 book “How to Be Your Own Best Friend”? It was all about self-love and acceptance, and it was somewhat ahead of its time. There were critics who thought that being your own best friend was an odd idea. Yet those who embraced it cheered how for the first time, they felt permission to just be who they are.

And it was a reminder of how important it is to feel okay in your own skin. Which after 50+, 60+, 70+, and beyond years, feels pretty good.

Scars and all.

 

“I celebrate myself, and sing myself.”

   Walt Whitman

 

 

 

Put down the rocks.

01/18/2016 /

Life is difficult.

So says M. Scott Peck in “The Road Less Traveled.” Yet, we solider on, because that’s what we do. One foot in front of the other, even on the cloudy, gloomy days when staying in bed or hiding with a bag of Cheetos sounds much more appealing. I certainly have my gray days, when it feels like somewhere, I made a wrong turn.

sw_RoadClosed_ncpx0034What about that happy ending…did I miss the exit sign?

Weren’t things supposed to be easier by now?

In the movies; the answer is yes. In real life; not so sure. We look at the outsides of other people and compare them to our insides. And often, we don’t like it.

“They” look happy. Successful. Stress-free. “They” don’t have cellulite. Or past-due notices in their mailbox. Or family members that give them migraines.

While “we” are tired, frustrated, and bored to death with the daily routine. We don’t recognize ourselves in the mirror. We think about that boyfriend or girlfriend we let slip away. We kind of just wish someone would come along and pay our bills and show us where the yellow brick road begins.

Hey, maybe there’s a map somewhere, one that leads to that treasure we all think we’re going to find. But wouldn’t it be ironic if we found the map, and “X” is right where we are right now?

Could it be we’re making things harder than they have to be?

That maybe instead of just dealing with what is going on right now, at this very moment, we’re also still worrying about everything that happened up until now, as well as everything that we think could possibly happen in the future?

Whew, that’s a lot right there.

In the book of meditations known as “God Calling”, edited by A.J. Russell, there is a passage that talks about a hiker, slowly climbing up a mountain, pausing to rest and survey the landscape below. As the hike becomes more and more difficult, the hiker has to stop more often, breathing heavily, his legs burning, his back aching, wondering if he will make it the rest of the way.

Then this question is raised:

What if the hiker put down his backpack and began to take out rocks…one rock for each hike he had ever gone on?  What if all along, he’d been hiking up this mountain carrying a pack full of rocks from his entire life? What a load he had put on himself! Now, free of those rocks, he can continue…stronger and lighter, knowing he will make it the rest of the way.

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to carry a lot of rocks around. From childhood.  From failed relationships.  Bad jobs.  Things I should have said.  Things I should not have said (those are some big rocks).  I even pick up other people’s rocks and try to carry them as well, though I don’t know why.

It seems so simple, yet it can be so hard…stay in the present.  Live right now.  Just take it a day, a moment at a time. Some days are cloudy. Some days just are the pits. But it’s not going to last forever—and once it’s done, it’s done.

IMG_0320 - Version 2Here, now.  Carry only what you can. Put the rest down.

And if that load really is more than you can bear, I believe you don’t have to do it alone.

I’m going to keep climbing.  And I’m going to keep my pack as light as I can.  Because I’ve lived enough years to be stronger and wiser than I was many years ago. I know I can make it. And I know the view from the top—or from wherever I am at that moment—will be worth it.

 

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

Confucius

 

 

Thank You Cory Wells.

11/16/2015 /

I lost someone recently; someone who meant a great deal to me when I was growing up. This person, a fellow boomer,  was a source of joy for me…an escape from some unhappy times that left me feeling unwanted and lost.

Because I felt I could turn to this person, it gave me a sense of hope and acceptance.

And yet, I never met this man.

Growing up is hard. Feeling accepted is not easy. And when you truly are not accepted at school, not part of the in crowd, not one of the attractive inner circle, it can be miserable.

I know.

I walked that path. I didn’t have much hope at the time.

But what I did have was a record player. And my beloved albums and favorite bands…because for me, music was a transport to all that was possible. One band in particular resonated with me.

Three Dog Night. More specifically, Cory Wells. One of the lead singers and the force behind forming the band. The bluesy, deep-voiced talent whose love for the blues and black music permeated his soulful renditions.

He sang from his bones. He was handsome, quick-witted, and an easy smiler. He was married and faithful to his wife and loved his children.

He was, for me, an outlet of my feelings. He was of course a stranger and  way out of my league. I knew that. But it was fun to imagine. And it was wonderful to listen to him sing.

IMG_0826 - Version 2Over the years, as I’ve grown older of course so did he and the band. But instead of fading into obscurity they kept touring, kept entertaining audiences. They didn’t let gray hair and extra pounds keep them from center stage. They didn’t dye their hair and try to dress like a 25-year-old. They just remained who they were.

Did they rock the wrinkle? Oh yes. To put it mildly.

I loved how I could finally see them in smaller venues, be closer to the stage, and in many ways, get to know who they were as people. They joked about moving more slowly. Recalled their memories from so many years ago. Praised new artists.

And Cory stayed (in my opinion) humble and generous. He supported many charities. He was an outdoorsman who loved to fish in his beloved retreat near Lake Erie. He was still happily married after 50 years with children and grandchildren.

I passed on an opportunity to see him and the band a few years ago, at a neighborhood-type festival not far from where I live. I don’t know what kept me away, but I thought I’d have another chance to see them anyway…I knew I wanted to walk up to him sometime, and tell him he made a difference in my life. He got me through some tough times.

You know, just be a human letting another human know he helped someone that he didn’t even know.

But I did not go. And about a month ago, Cory died. It was quick and unexpected. I’m sure his friends and family are in shock. I know I was, and still am.

It’s like a part of me has died as well. A part that takes me back to a painful and also pivotal time; those years when you’re just trying to figure out who you are, and hang on to any thread of hope.

I admit it also angers me how little recognition he got during his lifetime. Critics always wanted to take away from the band’s success because they rarely wrote any of their songs. Instead, they found (then) obscure writers like Elton John, Laura Nyro, Randy Newman and Hoyt Axton and showcased their songs. This led to 12 gold albums and 21 consecutive Billboard Top 40 hits.

No one else has achieved that.

Yet they’re not in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. And now, too late, so many are coming forward to praise Cory’s talent. I only hope he can hear it, wherever he is.

He’s still teaching me. To not wait to say the things that matter. To not assume I’ll have another opportunity to do something that could touch another person’s heart. To grab each precious moment and find the harmony.

I picture him on the most beautiful stream imaginable, with a fishing pole in his hand, humming a tune. Cory Wells (Wellsley). Rest in peace.  And thank you.

 

“Music is the medicine of the breaking heart.”

        Leigh Hunt

 

How to survive.

10/19/2015 /

I love to hike and be in the outdoors. I recognize the inherent dangers of the wilderness and always try to plan ahead and respect Nature. Like many boomers and beyond, I’ve learned firsthand how foolish it is to take unnecessary risks or be unprepared.

However, so many people have not; they don’t stop to consider they are not ready for higher altitudes, fast weather changes, and all the challenges that come with backcountry exploration, climbing, or any other potential perilous activity.  And then there are those of us who think we are doing everything right and take every precaution, but still get lost, fall off a cliff, lose our footing, or find ourselves treading water.

IMG_0008It’s fascinating to me why some survive harrowing tales of wandering for days in the desert, or getting lost on a mountain trail, or floating on a raft at sea—while others don’t make it.

It could be a vacation mishap. Or a car that goes off the road and is upside down in a ditch for a week. Or being captured in a combat zone and held prisoner.

Why does one person panic when the boat springs a leak, while another calmly considers a solution?

Why does one person live to tell the tale, while another does not?

Obviously you could ask this question about almost any scary situation in life: getting fired, being served divorce papers, coming home to a burgled house, hearing very bad news from the doctor.

In his terrific book, “Deep Survival”, author Laurence Gonzales takes us on an absorbing journey into why some people endure disasters while others do not.

The premise is that there is an art and science to staying alive.

Gonzales talks about the idea of getting lost. “In daily life, people operate on the necessary illusion that they know where they are. Most of the time, they don’t. The only time most people are not lost to some degree is when they are at home. It’s quite possible to know the route from one place to another without knowing precisely where you are.”

Interesting. We head out on adventures and because we have a map in our pocket, we’re sure we know where we are. But quite often, we just have an idea of where we are going.

file0001976741550Should we veer of the path and then get turned out, we are very much lost.

Again, Gonzales applies the stages of getting lost to areas other than a dayhike in the woods. He cites examples of corporations who have veered off their right path and tried something that almost took them to the edge of disaster.

 Bad decisions can leave us in the woods.   But it’s what we do once we’re there that counts.

As Gonzales found in his research, there are people who, stranded with absolutely nothing, find a way to make it alive…while others have everything they need for survival, but they perish.

Some people just give up.

Survivors do not.

 I really enjoyed this book because I have a deep interest in what it takes to be safe and oriented in the great outdoors. But I honestly think the principles can help us in so many other situations.

Gonzales lists 12 points for staying out of trouble, saying “here is what survivors do”: 

  1. Perceive and believe. Recognize and accept the reality of your situation. You have broken your leg. You are in trouble. It’s okay to go through denial, anger, depression, or more, but now it’s time to “go inside” and accept what is happening. 
  1. Stay calm. Whether it’s fear or humor, use it to stay calm. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you 
  1. Think, analyze, plan. Get organized. If you’re in a group, establish a leader. Come up with steps.
  1. Take decisive action. Be bold while also cautious. Decide on yours tasks and do them well. Handle what you can right now, and leave the rest.
  1. Take joy in your successes. You’re very stressed. You are trying to hold your fear at bay. But you just made a fire. Celebrate it! It helps you stay motivated. 
  1. Sing a song. Recite a poem. Do calculus. Keep your mild stimulated and calm. Have a very long way to walk alone? Count each step, and dedicate it to someone you know. 
  1. Count your blessings. Be glad you are alive! Think about the people you care about and be successful for them. 
  1. Enjoy the beauty around you. Be where you are and take it all in. 
  1. Believe you will succeed. Be careful. Make no more mistakes. And believe you will prevail 
  1. Let go of your fears. You might think you’re going to die. Try to surrender to it, and thus get around it. Get off that mountain anyway. 
  1. Have the will and the skill. You know your skills. Now believe anything is doable. Be coldly rational. Do what is necessary. 
  1. Don’t give up. Survivors are not easily frustrated. They know there will be setbacks. They learn from them and keep going.

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Whether you just ran out of water in the desert.

Or your retirement savings have vanished.

Keep your head. Trust your instincts. Believe in yourself.

Be a survivor.

“Knowledge is the key to survival, the real beauty of that is that it doesn’t’ weigh anything.”

     Ray Mears

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