Category: Staying sane (Page 11 of 12)

How rudeness hurts us.

04/23/2015 /

Recently I was walking my dog down a sidewalk when a 30-ish woman and her two children on bicycles and a dog approached me, taking up most of the sidewalk. My dog and I moved over as far as we could and just as we were about to pass this small group, the woman’s dog got a bit close and made my dog a bit nervous, so I pulled us even more to the side.

Instead of just passing us, or tightening her leash on her own pet, the woman yelled out in a very loud and very unfriendly voice something quite uncalled for and directed at me.

I was a bit stunned—my dog and I did nothing wrong. We had moved over to let this group pass. Why in the world would she make a public scene…and in front of her children?

Of course I had many responses in my head…things I wanted to say very badly after she walked by. But her children were with her, which stopped me.

 Though quite obviously, that did not stop her.

So many times I see what I consider to be an attack of “entitlement” come over people of a particular age group. (Yes, here I am, someone over 50, shaking my wrinkled finger at someone younger while my teeth fall out.)

Not really.

I just don’t understand.

I’ve never felt entitled, or that the world owed me something, or, that anyone around me should just put up with my pets if they’re acting up. Quite the opposite.

 It used to be called courtesy. Civility. A realization that while I may be special to those who love me, and special to the spirit that created me, I’m not “special” in traffic, crowds, long lines, or at the motor vehicle registration office. I’m just another person.

This seems to be a lost idea.

But wait. Didn’t Tom Wolfe call us boomers the “Me Generation” back in the 1970s? Self-centered and spoiled?

Were we? Are we still?

And is rudeness just what it is…a sign of changes in society that has nothing to do with age? Did our grandparents shake their heads and wonder what had become of manners?

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It really does feel like things are a bit coarser these days, like taking the soft and forgiving road just isn’t done much. I confess to quick irritation when a driver cuts me off haphazardly or someone jumps in line ahead of me. And I’m sure negative breeds negative. And granted, as boomers and beyond, we didn’t grow up with the need (or just the temptation) to constantly be sticking our noses in electronic devices to see stock prices, weather, and funny texts…we actually interacted with those around us.

So being polite was the smart thing to do. And it’s lot easier than being rude.

In fact, according to Psychology Today, rudeness can wreck your health. Talking down to someone. Ignoring a co-worker. Being impolite. When this happens to us on a regular basis, it can lead to anxiety, depression, weight gain, heart disease, sleep problems, and digestive ailments.

And sometimes the rudeness isn’t so blunt. Like when we interrupt each other constantly. Or never show up for a date or social engagement on time. Can’t put down our cell phone when we’re supposed to be enjoying another person’s company. Laugh off another’s anxiety when he or she is revealing a deep hurt.

Research says when we do that, we’re not seeing the other person as an equal. Or we may in fact be so insecure we don’t know how else to act.

I admit I stay confused about some of this…I’ve been around such cordial strangers and seen such acts of kindness. I’ve traveled to cities where I had been warned everyone would be rude, and they were the kindest people I’ve met. And like all of us, I’ve been ignored, disrespected, and left wondering what is ailing the other person.

dioSo maybe it comes down to realizing we don’t know what’s going on with that person; what hurt lies inside; what bad day have they had; why do they choose that behavior. Maybe we will be the only nice person they meet today (this of course assumes we are nice!). Maybe for now, let just have to let them be who they are.

And challenge ourselves to be what we can—the best version of our own self.

 “I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble.”

     Rudyard Kipling

 

 

 

 

 

Press one for a real person.

03/26/2015 /

“Please pay attention, as some of our options have recently changed.”

Seriously. Does this phrase even mean anything anymore?

You place a call to any business, physician’s office, organization, or any other number in the world and you hear this recording. So is there ANY place that has NOT changed their options?

shutterstock_91955405Why am I asking this?

Because I am weary of the all the “noise” we hear every day…announcements and warnings and instructions that really don’t mean anything. We don’t listen to them anymore, because we don’t believe they are real. What we’d really like is to actually dial a number and speak to a real breathing person.

Every once in a very rare while, when the moon is in the third house and the owl flies with a stick in its mouth against the west wind, that actually happens…a human answers.

Even rarer, a human answers and can help us. Maybe even (dare I say it) answers our question or directs us to the correct person.

I know, crazy talk.  If that happened when I called a cable company, or telephone company, or utility company, it would be dangerous. Because I would faint and hit my head on the desk.

I can’t imagine that all these automated answering systems are really saving anyone money. Not if you equate efficiency with economics. Invariably, you have to suffer through all the possible options before you finally arrive at the final one…which is the number you press to  speak to someone. Which you could have done at the beginning if a person had answered.

And I also love how every time I call, no matter what day, time, or month, I hear “We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls. You might wish to call back at another time.”

What time would that be, if every day the volume is unusually high?

Maybe never?

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Some of you can remember the days of party lines. Of telephone operators who were there to help you. Even (gasp) pay phones.

Others will laugh at such antiquated ideas, and shake their heads thinking how far we’ve come, and how much better everything is. Really? It didn’t used to take hours to actually call and take care of a matter. You didn’t have to figure which day of the week would be most convenient to call. Hey, we boomers and beyond remember a certain secret agent making calls from his shoe phone.  Apple hasn’t come out with one of those yet!

Having worked as a writer in advertising, I’ve had to type the phrase “Please call for more information” a billion times on marketing materials. It just would be nice if it were a real invitation occasionally.

Number, please….

 “The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone was invented in 1875.  In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.”     Bill DeWitt

 

 

 

 

Embracing our limitations.

03/23/2015 /

It’s a paradox.

We’re told we can accomplish anything if we try hard enough. Yet most of us run into obstacles in life that keep us from getting to that “finish line”…like losing a job or having a spouse leave us or investments drying up into nothing.

What happened to that mystical power in the universe that was supposed to open all the right doors?

ADA0J1dicQ76uxpzK5PR5_PR_4040_retinand what about our limitations? We can’t all be CEOs, star quarterbacks or prima ballerinas. Some people write bestsellers, some toil away for years without success. Some marriages are affirming, others are filled with disappointment.

Wait…isn’t the teacher supposed to appear when the student is ready?

I know I have had many times when I just knew if I waited long enough or prayed hard enough, the answer to my questions would come. I’d get a sign that this was the right job. Or a feeling that now was the time to make the move. Surely the universe would not let me once again make a bad choice in romance.

After all, that’s what happens in the movies…people go for a long walk by a river or through a bustling city (with appropriate music playing in the background) and it all just becomes clear.

I’m still waiting for that.

Writer, teacher and activist Parker Palmer has some great thoughts on this in his book, “Let Your Life Speak.” I go back to it regularly to remind myself I’m not alone in my confusion about all of this. He talks about potential, and limitations—that while “openings” may reveal our potentials, “closings” can reveal our limits. And both are equally important.

Parker Palmer writes, “As often happens in the spiritual journey, we have arrived at the heart of a paradox: each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around—which puts the door behind us—and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls. The door that closed kept us from entering a room, but what now lies before us is the rest of reality.”

Don’t you love that?

The whole visual of a door closed behind us, and all that now is before us…a universe of potential! So it seems as though our limitations actually are what can propel us forward, even more than our potential. Something every baby boomer and beyond can relate to.

I know there have been times when the universe gave me a “push”…forcing me to take a step into the unknown which later turned out to be a wonderful opportunity. And a step I probably wouldn’t have ever taken had things stayed as they were. At the time I didn’t like it.

It hurt, or made me angry. It most likely scared me. But clearly a greater power than me knew it was time.

Along the way, I’ve also made friends with my limitations

While I realize sometimes I don’t challenge myself as much as I could, I also am okay with stepping aside from certain races. I’m not climbing up a corporate ladder, or competing with someone else for attention from a boss. I’m fine being one of the flock and not the leader. I’m good at some things and average at others.

A doorThat’s all okay. Because it’s who I am. And I can’t fool the universe by trying to be someone else.

More sage words from Parker Palmer: “If we are to live our lives fully and well, we must embrace our opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials. We must honor our limitations in ways that do not distort our nature, and we must trust and use our gifts in ways that fulfill the potentials that God gave us. We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance that it has to offer—and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives.”

Respond with the yes of our lives. That sounds like a precious jewel hidden in a treasure chest that can only be opened by someone with a lot of years to his or her credit. Someone who understands that the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and the joy and the disappointments are all part of being a whole person.

Not to mention a few well-earned and proudly worn wrinkles.

What do you think?  Has a closed door changed your life?

 “Never underestimate the power of dreams.”

        Wilma Rudolph

 

 

 

 

 

Saying no and yes.

03/16/2015 /

How do we guard our time?

When it seems we have so little of it to ourselves, how do we smartly and politely stand our ground when asked to take on extra tasks or chores that eat into our private moments?

As people over 50, we most likely have served on countless committees and cleanup crews, manned registration tables and put up signs, taken down displays and more…many times on a Saturday, or an evening, holiday, or other time period when we’d rather be elsewhere.

file641274354480I don’t consider this the same as true volunteering or philanthropic efforts that truly benefit those in need. If I have a warm place to sleep and food in my refrigerator, you bet I can get up early or stay late and help someone less fortunate. Volunteering is not only the right thing to do, it’s energizing and uplifting.

I’m talking more about those requests that are far less dire…events or things that have nothing to do with survival or quality of life. Times when it feels that the person asking has not prepared adequately and now needs you to fill in. Or when someone won’t call upon those who said they were on board, but aren’t showing up, and didn’t inform anyone.

That bothers me. Maybe it’s a major character flaw, but so be it. It just feels like the same people get asked time after time to save a situation, while the masses happily skip off to whatever it is they suddenly need to do.

Do you ever feel like you’re the dependable one, so you’re always at the top of the list? And if so, why is it you feel guilty when you actually occasionally (but I’m guessing rarely) say no to one of these requests?

Helping out and pitching in is great.

Being taken advantage of is not.

Asking someone to help you out of a jam is fine.

Asking the same person constantly because you either think he or she has nothing better to do, or because you’re not willing to ask someone who threatens you, is unfair.

In fact, I think it’s terrible.

Maybe we all need life-sized cardboard cutouts we can carry around with us, and when we spot a “user” approaching us, we can hold up our cutout and block their path.

KC_IMG_5388There’s nothing wrong with saying no. Giving yourself a pass on something that doesn’t feel right. Choosing to spend your free time as you choose, even if that means you’re not “doing” a lot. You don’t have to be married or a parent or grandparent to have a busy life. If there’s anything getting older teaches us, it’s how precious our time is.

We’re supposed to help each other. But we’re also supposed to take care of ourselves. It’s a fine line.

Here’s some words to consider by poet Naomi Shihab Nye:

The Art of Disappearing

When they say Don’t I know you?

say no.

 When they invite you to the party

remember what parties are like

before answering:

Someone telling you in a loud voice

they once wrote a poem.

Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.

Then reply.

If they say We should get together

say Why?

It’s not that you don’t love them anymore.

You’re trying to remember something

too important to forget.

Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.

Tell them you have a new project.

It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store

nod briefly and become a cabbage.

When someone you haven’t seen in ten years

appears at the door,

don’t start singing him all your new songs.

You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.

Know you could tumble any second.

Then decide what to do with your time.

 

 

 “Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.”

                    Ralph Waldo Emerson

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