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Relaxing when flying monkeys appear.

11/27/2017 / Laura

I call them the flying monkeys. They appear occasionally in my office, my car, my kitchen and anywhere else I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe you see them too. Like when the internet’s out. The dentist gives you the happy news you need three fillings replaced. Or you’re sitting in traffic and “check engine” lights up the dashboard. And you’re worried about what’s going on with your friend/spouse/children/grandchildren/dog/cat/bunny/big toe.

So how do you get back to your center, take a breath, and empty out some of this stress? (And send the flying monkeys packing?)

For me, sometimes the hardest thing is realizing just how tight I am. It’s easy to get rigid when I sit at a computer. I don’t even realize how my breathing is becoming shallow (like a prairie dog hoping the coyote will pass by) or my spine sags into a terrible posture. But I do know if don’t do something to change it, I’ll pay the price. And possibly so will those around me.

I don’t know if it’s true, but it feels like now that I’m well over 50, it’s even more vital I learn to truly relax. For one thing I want to live as long as I can and be healthy, and I know that when my blood vessels contract, that’s not exactly helping. For another my joints and bones can be quite content to get stiff and immobile if I let them.

Plus, I just don’t like it when I allow something or someone to have this effect on me.

So here’s a few relaxation methods I’ve found to be helpful in my 50+ years:

Meditation. I’m not always good at this, and sometimes I go for weeks and completely forget to do it. But when I decide to be still, to just let my thoughts pass by without jumping into each one, it really does make a difference. I concentrate on my breathing. I sometimes just sit and listen to the silence. Or I choose music like that of sacred musician Ana Hernandez.

Some people meditate for long periods of time. I think that’s great, but I also think just a few minutes can do wonders. First thing is a great time, but even better can be right after a stressful phone call, or when I’m in the car and nothing is moving. I can almost hear my coronary system thanking me.

Tai chi. I LOVE Tai chi. I discovered it a few years ago and began going to classes once a week, and I try to practice it every day. There are several different forms to choose from…I’m a big fan of Yang Style. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s okay. What’s important is how Tai chi can help you relax and unwind, yet strengthens you and improves your bones all at the same time. It’s graceful. It’s empowering. It works both your muscles and your mind.

Even if you just learn a few simple Tai chi moves, you can do these during the day or in the evening and feel how it takes you to a more peaceful state. Classes are usually available at recreation centers, Tai Chi centers, or you can peruse YouTube videos or order DVDs.

Go Outdoors. I know the weather can be bad. You might be in a high-rise and can’t just pop outside when you feel like it. But if you can, I strongly recommend breathing some fresh air a few times a day if possible. Studies are proving that we’re more creative and better at problem solving after a walk outside.

For me, sometimes just stepping outside and feeling the breeze or the sun on my face helps me change my breathing and how I feel. If nothing else, it reminds me there’s a much bigger universe out there than what’s causing me anxiety, and much more powerful forces at work. I like that.

There are lots more ways to relax of course….pet your pet, yoga, floating on water, reading a wonderful book, spending time with friends…if you’ve found something that really brings you peace, please share. We all need it! I think as boomers, we realize more than ever that peace is not only something we’ve worked hard to achieve, it’s what all the struggles have been about.

“Why am I soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?”

Paul Simon

What you do (don’t) want.

11/06/2017 / Laura

You’d like to be thinner, but you enjoy pretty good health.

The car is really boring, but it’s paid for.

He’s doesn’t share your values, but he’s willing to help in an emergency.

The fog is too heavy to see through, but the golden and red leaves covering the path under your feet are so lovely.

You’d really rather be over there, but you’re okay here.

It’s enough to make you crazy. This whole back and forth of what we want, what we need and what we be better be careful we ask for. Cause we might get it.

They say being able to delay gratification is a sign of maturity. But what about the yearning for it that won’t go away? The incessant buzzing like a mosquito in your ear that keeps telling you hey, you’re supposed to be someplace else. Doing something else. With someone else. Living this other life. You know, the one you live in your head.

Is it enough to practice gratitude every day? Or do we have to go deeper….finding the shutoff valve in the very back of our head where our parents’ voices, our teachers’ voices, and whoever else we’ve invited to take up space keep telling us how it all should be. As my mother used to say, “how the cow ate the cabbage.”

Technology isn’t much help. Even though we’re boomers and we lived many years not having so many things at our fingertips, we’re getting spoiled too. A recent Psychology Today article touched on how so many younger people have been conditioned to think everything comes as quick and easy as a Google search. Like relationships:

“Young people are lacking a sense of meaning and feeling unsatisfied at a deep level. Simultaneously, there has been a deterioration in the depth, reliability, and connectedness of friendships and relationships in general. The reason, in part, for these unfortunate changes is that we have taken the values and expectations that we have learned through our relationship with technology, and applied them to all of life. And yet, immediacy and ease, as values for the more profound aspects of our existence, don’t work.”

Things take effort. Change can hurt. It’s not easy to get in shape. Get a better job. Make a scary move. Cut all your hair off and dye your head pink. Whatever it is, it’s not just going to happen. You have to put in the effort.

Maybe sometimes the real lesson comes in just sitting in confusion. Enduring the anxiety that arises when the way ahead is not clear. Actually being still.

As Wendell Berry says:

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.”

Could that be true? If so, it’s actually kind of encouraging. Because instead of feeling like you’re at the end of the road, it means there’s another path ahead. One that will take you somewhere new and maybe unexpected…but maybe exactly where you need to be.

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Dale Carnegie

Past the expiration date?

10/09/2017 / Laura

I’ve been thinking about expiration dates. I fear I have ignored too many in my life.

I’m not talking about a can of biscuits, but rather relationships, jobs, situations, etc. Things that more than outlived their freshness and yet I stayed on…out of fear, laziness, or just inertia.

Funny thing is, looking back, once I cut myself free from whatever it is that long had stopped being a healthy choice, my life got so much better. Whoda thunk?

What I’m hoping is this: now that I’m wiser (!) and older, perhaps I’ll spot much earlier when it’s time to let go of something toxic. Move on. Stop the madness. Resist.

Because there’s just not enough time to waste on things that are harmful to us.

Problem is, often the harm is sneaky and slow, and we don’t see what it’s doing to our spirit. Nibbling away at us quietly like mice in the night. I don’t know about you, but I’ve set out traps and called in exterminators and plugged holes and watched Mickey and Minnie enough times to know if you don’t completely get rid of the problem, it’s coming back…and with friends.

So I’m hoping this time around, in my older years, I’m taking action quicker.

For example, the work situation that asks too much and returns too little. The “friendship” that really isn’t. The romance that tears down, instead of building up. The incessant user of our energy…whatever or whoever it is…that is not enriching our soul, but eroding it.

Enough already!

Meditation is one strategy. When the urge to give in to the bad energy comes over us, we can sit still, find our breathing and try to let the feeling pass. Sometimes it works, sometimes we just want to scream or throw a rock. (I think that’s okay, as long as it’s done safely.)

Helping others is a good idea. Get out of myself and get into helping another person…whether it’s a phone call to someone struggling with something, or inviting someone to lunch who never gets out. Volunteer at a local shelter. See just how powerful my “good” energy can be when directed in the right direction.

Make a list. I’ve always said being a tad neurotic can come in handy. I like to write down the pros and cons of what I can’t seem to give up. Chances are the “bad” side of my list is much longer than the good. So why waste any more energy there?

Of course many situations are much more difficult to change. A painful romance or abusive marriage. A job that pays the bills but steals your soul. It’s up to each person to decide when enough is enough, and how to safely and positively walk away.

Just as M. Scott Peck says in the first line of The Road Less Traveled, “life is difficult”. So I know we have to expect some trial and strain in even the best situations and relationships. But I also know that for me, looking back, I often stayed in the rowboat much too long…after all the food and water was gone and the sharks were gnawing on the side…and now wonder why I didn’t just take my chances in the water.

Because I do know how to swim.

Or at least dog-paddle.

I’ve got the wrinkles to keep me afloat.

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

Parker Palmer

Embracing The Big Love Around Us

09/06/2017 / Laura

Are you getting in your own way of happiness?

It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day frenzy of just being human. From the moment the alarm sounds, we’re often on a race to hurry up and get to a desk where we can stop for a few minutes and then hurry up and get on the phone, to a meeting, across town to the bank, stop by the post office, pick up the kids, bathe the dog, hurry back home to be sure we’re in the kitchen so we can hurry up and get dinner on the table and sit for a few minutes before hurrying up to binge-watch the new series and finally, hurry to bed so we can start it all over again the next day.

Somewhere, along the way, we pass ourselves. Some part of us is looking out the window. Or noticing how the light is bouncing off the leaves as the season changes. Or remembering how glorious it felt to hike that trail on a cool fall morning or run through leaves giggling.

But we don’t have time to stop. And oddly, that’s a comforting thing.

We have our duties. Our roles. Our safe little worlds with no surprises. Even though sometimes, it feels like the walls are about 3 inches away, and getting closer.

And closer.

So that soon, our world is very, very small. And that candle inside us that used to shine so brightly and lead our way when we were first dreaming of what our lives can be…that candle is struggling to stay lit. It’s an inertia that slowly creeps through your bloodstream like a silent snake…robbing you of your curiosity. Your desire to know more, to explore unknown places and have adventures. Little by little, it seeps your energy. Like the death eaters in the Harry Potter stories it seems to hover overhead and suck the very life out of you.

A beautiful essay on the OnBeing Studios blog, “Beyond The Myths We Tell Ourselves, Big Love is Waiting” offers some wonderful insight. (OnBeing is an amazing multimedia project featuring a nationally broadcast public radio show, a portfolio of podcasts, and a digital publishing platform reaching millions of people each week.) Author Ali Schultz reminds us we are “not Atlas supporting the world; the world is supporting us.”

Schultz goes on to say:

“When I step out from the house of cards I’ve built for myself, I feel love. Big love.The clear path to such love requires excavation. We must, as Rumi notes, remove all of the blocks we’ve placed in our way to keep us from it. Somehow, somewhere, in all of our evolutionary neurological wiring, our wires have crossed so that we fearing being loved more than being safe, small, sure, busy, and turning away from the big open arms of life. We think we’ve got it all figured out. While our gifts for self-preservation and survival are strong, all we’ve figured out, really, is how to make sense of the world into which we were thrust, or find ourselves. Great skills, no doubt. But if we rely on them solely, we guard ourselves from another way of being with the world.”

“The big open arms of life.” What a wonderful image. So why are we so afraid to let go….to give up the control we mistakenly believe we have, and just let the energy and inspiration around us fill us?

Is that we don’t think we’re worthy? Or that we can’t remember how to find that energy? Are we giving into society’s obsession with youth and forgetting that we, baby boomers, anyone over 50, are the ones best equipped to recognize just what the universe can do for us…and know we have had it inside us all along?

More words from Ali Schultz:

“Perhaps the biggest form of self-denial is turning away from the grace that’s always there for us, right now here in the present, and has been with us throughout the arc of our history. Without a story to perpetuate or mental mazes to get lost in, you stop perpetuating the story, the delusion, that you’re alone holding it all together yourself. And, then, you can feel life rush in and join you in conversation. When you open to the world, big love is waiting for you.”

Taking a risk is scary. Changing your life is scary. Even just deciding you are going to realign your daily priorities can be scary, because others are going to react to what you are doing.