Rock The Wrinkle

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Walking each other home.

04/30/2018 /

Life is so fragile.  Every moment is precious.  All around, there are people whose life has frozen in time…bad news about a loved one.  Eviction.  Divorce.  A frightening diagnosis.  Loss of a child.  Maybe a business failure or money crisis that feels like there is no way out.

As baby boomers and beyond, we’ve had our share.  And while it would be nice to think now we get to enjoy life, the joke is somewhat on us, or so I’ve found.  Life does not easier.  In fact, with the challenges of aging, it might get a lot harder.  And more painful.  So where’s the hope?

I think it’s in the fact that we are wiser, we are survivors, and we understand what is important, and what is not.

And I would hope,  we cherish what—and who—is most important to us.  Because as someone very wise said, “We’re all just walking each other home.”

I like that.  I like the idea that when we’re at our most desperate, spirits appear around us who can lead us forward.  Maybe we can see them—a dear friend, a spouse, even a beloved pet.  And maybe they are invisible…but I believe they are just as real as ever.  They’ve loved us, and they’re still with us.

It’s so hard to get frightening news.  And it’s also so hard to know someone you love just got that news.  But now’s when you channel your fear into something helpful.  Like listening, really listening when they need it most.  Giving them the opportunity to be sad, be angry, be profane or anything else they choose.

A friend who was over 80 died a few weeks ago.  She was truly an amazing person her whole life, overcoming the suicide of a brother and a daughter.  She was intelligent and talented.  A published author and accomplished musician.  She embraced the challenges of learning technology that was barely a dream when she was born. She never stopped growing.  And she didn’t let her pain stop her.

What I liked most about her was she was fully human. I think we forget how to do that sometimes…to just be.  To know that who we are is enough. We can learn and refine and strengthen and enhance, but in the end, who we are is who we are.  And it wasn’t a mistake (unless we use our skills to hurt others).

And maybe most importantly, we can use our humanity to be there for someone else in crisis…someone who shouldn’t have to be any braver, any calmer, or any nicer than they feel.  Because we love them.  And because they are us.  And because they might be needing us to let things get messy.  Listen to Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers):

“Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness…. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.”

We’re all aging. We’re all going to die (it always amazes me how many people really think they won’t.) We all have limited time.  So maybe now’s the time to turn back to the basics…the skills you first learned.

Hold hands when you cross the street.

Be nice to your neighbor.

Brush your teeth.

Take naps.

Be kind to animals.

Love from the heart. We’re all on a journey…a journey that I believe leads somewhere glorious…and it’s good to remember that how we help one another along the way really does matter.

 

“It always helps to have people we love beside us when we have to do difficult things in life.”

Mr. Rogers

 

Sleepy?

04/23/2018 /

Are you tired?

When was the last time you really slept…like an uninterrupted 8 hours?  Or took an actual afternoon nap without the cell phone interrupting your peace?

Why is it we can’t sleep?  And why do we think we’re not supposed to?

Especially for us baby boomers and beyond…sleep is precious.  Agingcare.com says:

Sleep needs change naturally throughout a person’s lifetime. For example, it is common knowledge that children and adolescents need more sleep than adults. Interestingly, though, older adults need about the same amount of sleep as their younger counterparts—seven to nine hours each night.

Unfortunately, many older adults get less sleep than they need. One reason is that they often have a difficult time falling asleep. A study of adults over 65 found that 13 percent of men and 36 percent of women take more than 30 minutes to fall asleep each night.

And while it’s often said that sleep problems are a normal part of aging, that’s actually not the case.  If you’re really have problems sleeping, you might want to see your physician.  But if it’s an occasional thing, here are a few suggestions from agingcare.com:

  • Follow a regular schedule. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time, even on weekends.
  • Minimize naps. Try to nap only when you must. Excessive sleep during the day can keep you from falling and staying asleep.
  • Exercise. Regular physical activity has been shown to improve sleep quality. For best results, finish working out at least three hours before bedtime.
  • Get some sun. Go outside for at least 15 minutes a day and soak up some natural light.
  • Avoid caffeine.  At least reduce it late in the day.
  • Develop a bedtime routine. Do the same things each night to tell your body that it’s time to wind down.
  • Use your bedroom only for sleeping. After turning off the light, give yourself about 15 minutes to fall asleep. If you are still awake and not feeling drowsy, get out of bed and do something low key, like reading.

But maybe falling asleep isn’t your issue…maybe you feel that taking a nap or going to bed earlier than someone else is a bad thing…that you’re lazy, or you are “no fun”, or it’s an idea drilled into you when you were younger about the early bird getting the worm, etc.

Do you really want the worm?   

Or put another way, what good does getting the worm do if you’re yawning all day?

And if you’re over 55, chances are you’ve caught enough worms.  It’s okay to rest.  It’s always been okay to rest, we just don’t want anyone to know we do it.

But hang on.  There’s good news for all you closet nappers.  According to the National Sleep Foundation,  a short nap of 20-30 minutes can help to improve mood, alertness and performance. Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy,  Napoleon, Albert Einstein, and Thomas Edison were known to have valued an afternoon nap.

Other research has also suggested that daytime napping can improve memory by fivefold, and that a one-hour nap is best for boosting alertness and mental performance without interfering with nighttime sleep.

So hey.  Go for it.  Take a break.  Take a nap.  Turn off your phone.  And don’t chide a friend who says they need to go to bed early.  Tired isn’t good for you. There’s always time for a nap.

How about now?

“Sleep is the best meditation.”

          Dalai Lama

What You Hear When You Take a Risk.

04/16/2018 /

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You’re over 50. Or well past 60.  Maybe 70 is in the rearview mirror. You’ve decided to make a change. A big one. Take the new job. Retire. Move to the brand new address across the country or across the world.   Marry someone who doesn’t quite fit your family’s heirloom locket.

Paint your hair (what’s left) purple.

Got your earplugs ready? Because you are really going to hear it!

  • You’re too old.
  • You’re too young.
  • You don’t know anybody there.
  • You already have a good job.
  • Stuff like that is for kids.
  • You can’t do this by yourself.
  • What is something goes wrong?
  • Why would you want to start over?
  • Don’t you like it here?
  • Why would you want to live there?
  • How can you leave/ignore/betray your family?
  • How you leave/ignore/betray your friends?
  • Don’t you realize people your age don’t do things like this?
  • What will people think?
  • Aren’t you scared?

They mean well. They  just can’t figure out why you would do anything that resembles taking a risk. Especially at your age. (Luckily, not everyone will say these things to you.  Those who matter most will understand, even if they won’t admit it.)

The ironic part is 50+ is when you are best equipped to make a big change.

At least that was true for me. In my 20s and 30s, I was too busy trying to gain work experience and feel comfortable with everything life threw at me. I thought about making big changes a few times, but let fear and uncertainty stifle any real action. It wasn’t until I was able to cast off all the baggage  of other people’s expectations that I could clearly hear what my soul was telling me.

And I’m so glad I listened. Because even though every major life change brings with it moments of anxiety, doubt, loneliness (and the occasional cheese dip binge), it also brings a great deal of peace. Leaving your comfort zone can be the best way to find out what—and who—really matters to you. When you put distance between you and the way things have always been, you can  turn around and view it from a different perspective. It’s like standing in a museum and staring at an oversized canvas. The tiny, insignificant details fade away, the background blurs, and what is left is the core—the passion—of the painting.

Before, you saw the faces, you heard all the noise…. Now, what is left?  What images still touch your heart? Who do you genuinely miss and want to keep close forever? What truly matters in your life? I think it’s the good stuff—the stuff you have with you always, and can always return to.

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You will learn a lot when you start a new adventure. Here’s what taking a big risk taught me:

  • How anything is possible.
  • How lonely it can be.
  • How fantastic it can be.
  • Which friendships are real.
  • Which people live in my heart.
  • The wonder of email and texting.
  • Dogs don’t like change.
  • Naps are holy.
  • Learning new things requires forgetting some old stuff.
  • That can be a very good thing.
  • No matter how good you feel about things, you’re still going to occasionally wake up at 3 a.m. and wonder what the hell you are doing there.
  • There’s not always going to be a sign to point you in the right direction.
  • Go left or go right, but don’t just sit there.
  • You can mow grass while it is snowing.
  • You need sleep.  Lots of it.
  • God is always there. He’s just quiet sometimes.

Changing your life, starting over, whatever words you use—it is not without its challenges.. But I believe the universe is standing by waiting to kick in a lot of power once you commit.  The road may not be easy.  But look where it can lead.

 

“Trust yourself, then you will know how to live.”     Goethe

 

 

 

Love over hate.

04/02/2018 /

Now is the season of new beginnings.  New green shoots pushing up through the mud and remnants of a long winter that for some, still rages on.  New hours of sunshine that add a touch of promise to each afternoon (who doesn’t hate driving home from work or anywhere in the dark at 5:30.)  New clothes perhaps, with brighter colors and fun patterns.

And depending upon your spiritual beliefs, new beginnings in other ways.

A fresh start.  A new day.

And how wonderful that this new beginning comes every year.  It can be about so many things….maybe it’s not having that tempting late afternoon snack that’s not helping your cholesterol.  Or putting in 5 extra minutes on the treadmill.  Or deciding to make a real effort to keep the inside of your car clean (good luck).

In other words, we all might want to start small.  Tiny strides, tiny victories that can add up.

And maybe most of all, it can be how we see the world, our neighborhood, our enemies, and ourselves.

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest in New Mexico and founder of the Center of Action and Contemplation, has written what I think are some wonderful books worth checking out.  In Immortal Diamond, he talks about seeking our true self—our soul—and letting the false self die.  The false self being what we rely on in the beginning of our lives to get us through the formation of personality, career, relationships, etc…sort of like the games we have to play to get where we are.  But now that we are “here”, we can fall back to what we truly are.

Our essence.  Our link to the divine which has always been there.

There are many powerful passages in this book, but I especially like his advice for changing how we deal with negativism….our irritations with life.  How many times I’ve been cut off in traffic and uttered language I’m not proud of, or had angry thoughts about the person next to me in the express line holding 56 items instead of 5, or any other of the countless daily situations that try my patience and usually win over my feeble attempt to be a better person.  Richard Rohr has a suggestion for how to handle these moments….(from “Immortal Diamond”)….

“Next time a resentment, negativity or irritation comes into your mind…and you want to play it out or attach to it, move that thought or person literally into your heart space because such commentaries are almost entirely lodged in your head.  There, surround it with silence (which is much easier to do in the heart).  There, it is surrounded with blood, which will often feel warm like coals.  in this place, it is almost impossible to comment, judge, create story lines, or remain antagonistic.  You are in a place that does not create or feed on contraries but is the natural organ of life, embodiment, and love.  Love lives and thrives in the heart space…it can  make the difference between being happy and being miserable and negative.”

And who couldn’t use that?  A relief valve that stops the wheel of anger right in its place, that takes the negative and wraps it in love, shuts our mouth and mind, and just sits.  I sure can.

Richard Rohr calls it our “sacred heart”…where we hold things that need love and not judgment.  I think the trick is to do it immediately, when the negative voice in your head starts.  Turn off that valve and see the person or irritation moving to your heart.

It’s just a suggestion.  But it might just be a wonderful way to mark what for many, is the season of hope…when seeds start to grow.  And most happily, when those surprise crocus or tulips spring up and you don’t know how…you can’t remember planting them…but you are so glad they are there.

Maybe we can plant a few of our own right now.

 

 

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