Category: Our families (Page 3 of 4)

Second (or third) time around.

07/13/2015 / Laura

Have you seen the movie “I’ll See You in My Dreams”? Blythe Danner plays a woman of age who fills her days with lunches on the patio, happy hours with friends, a little golf and memories of her early career as a singer. She has been a widow for 20 years and has stayed out of the dating scene…until a friend convinces her to try “speed dating”. I won’t give anything away, but I will say the results are hysterical.

She does later meet always handsome Sam Elliott, also at a point in his life where he’s tired of being alone and “testing the waters”. Again, without revealing any plot points, suffice it to say that meeting him gets her to thinking…is it too late? Is she too entrenched in her daily regimen to welcome in a romantic partner?

Is what she had so many years ago enough for a lifetime…or is it ever enough?

file0001556941298

I enjoyed this movie for many reasons. Blythe Danner is such a talented, glowing woman whose natural beauty shines through her wrinkles. Sam Elliott is fully white-headed and also just who he is. They don’t play games. Or try to look 30. Or immediately grab on to one another because the hourglass is emptying. I think they just meet where they are.

And I think they can do that because they are older.

it’s Nature’s last laugh it seems. When we’re young and smooth-skinned and non-bald and no stomach, we attract a lot of other attractive young bodies. But our minds can’t quite catch up sometimes. And then when our minds have figured out what truly matters and what doesn’t, we don’t feel attractive because our jeans don’t fit anymore and we need glasses and it’s a little harder to last on the dance floor.

Fear can grip us.

Do I want to try again?

Will my heart get broken?

Will he/she leave me for someone younger?

Do I have the emotional energy to date again?

Will my children accept someone new in my life?

And then the whole online thing. So many people are doing that. Some have success, others find frustration…it somehow seems backwards to trade applications and match your strong points…before ever meeting to see if that spark is there. But in today’s world, meeting people—especially after age 50—is like searching for a mouse in a cornfield. You know he/she might be out there, but you have no idea if you’ll ever cross their path.

And speed dating? Wow. They say we decide in the first 30 seconds or so whether we want to see someone again. But gosh…I fear I’d drop my index cards with my carefully written opening lines, knock over the water glass, and somehow impale myself with a fork…before I even got a word out.

Imagine who that might attract.

It’s a minefield. It brings us all, no matter our age, back to our most basic vulnerabilities. Yet in some ways, it can be easier. If we stay authentic. If we allow the other person to be the age (legs, eyes, stomach, hair/no hair) they really are. If we remember what matters most.

If we can laugh together.

And if we can just enjoy now. What do you think?

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

Rumi

Leaving the nest—and taking wing.

06/22/2015 / Laura

There’s a hollow gourd hanging on my front porch with a hole in it, making it the perfect choice for a bird couple looking for a cozy, comfortable, fixer-upper and shield against wind and rain.

The first tenants were a precious pair of mountain chickadees who worked furiously to make it theirs…bringing small twigs and grasses and stray balls of animal hair into the hole. Then Nature intervened as it always does, and a feisty wren threw them out, bags and all. I couldn’t figure out why I kept seeing all the twigs all over the floor of my porch. Then I looked up and watched as the tiny wren pushed the furnishings through the hole and peeked out, daring anyone to intervene.

Wrens are cute. Their song is beautiful. But they are not to be messed with.

So in the weeks that followed, things progressed, and soon there was a lot of chirping going on. I occasionally would see Mama wren bring in bits of food to her brood. Very Disneyesque.

Then it got ugly again.

One day, two smaller wrens sat on the rain of my porch squawking endlessly….flapping their tiny wings in pure terror. Looking up, Mama wren was sticking her head out of the hole in the gourd with a fierce look that said, “No room here. Go out on your own. My job’s done.” Each offspring would attempt to fly back into the gourd only have to have Mom promptly shove them off.

Party’s over.

Time to the leave the nest.

Time to get on with your life.

It made me think of how each of us goes through this rite of passage, whether it’s physically leaving home, losing our parents, or just mentally separating and becoming an adult. Some of us spend time as caregivers and the roles get reversed…yet he is still our father, and she is still our mother.

And when they are both gone, it’s quite shocking how different it feels.

No matter what our age is. Suddenly, we’re grown up. As a friend put it, “Now there’s no one between me and the sun.”

Both of my parents are gone, and there are periods of time when I don’t think of them. But there are days when it feels like they are standing right next to me. So many times I’d like to show my Mother something. Or ask my Father for advice. It’s hard.

And I can only imagine how hard it was for them when I left home and became independent.

Cutting ties is what we do (at least most of us). It’s what all of Nature does. It’s not easy, and I don’t think it’s meant to be. Adulthood is hard and you might as well get that message early on.

We all know people who just expect things to go easily, and who seem shocked when they don’t. Then they get resentful. And often, they hold that resentment their entire life. (And everyone they come into contact with pays for it.) So the waiter gets stiffed. The cab driver gets disrespected. The homeless person on the corner gets a dirty look.

As boomers and beyond, we’ve seen so many changes in our lives. We watched Howdy Doody. We saw man go into space. We ate TV dinners. We probably played in the neighborhood after school and didn’t get chauffeured to soccer, recitals, or play dates. We got very excited when the ice cream man came around in the afternoons.

Things are different now. And while we can hold on to our memories, there are some things we might have to let go of. Because as cozy as it might be, we can’t stay in that gourd forever. If we do, we’ll miss out on so much.

I don’t think it’s too late to let your life take wing. In fact, I think now is the perfect time.

Where have you never been, that you yearn to go?

What adventure calls to you?

What have you always wanted to say to a lifelong friend?

As the late motivational speaker and author Leo Buscaglia always used to say, the time is now. Stop waiting for the right moment.

Why not today?

“Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.”

Leo Buscaglia

Thoughts on marriage.

06/11/2015 / Laura

Someone in my family has just celebrated a wedding anniversary. 42 years.

I think that’s amazing, because it seems like you just don’t hear about that very often. Maybe it’s happening all the time and it just doesn’t make news, while celebrity messages of 18 months grab the headlines.

To me, any couple that achieves a milestone like that is to be applauded, supported, and even studied. Obviously they didn’t go into it thinking everything was always going to be rosy. They understood there would be challenges and conflicts and bad days.

Yet they built a foundation that was strong enough to survive it all.

I’m wondering if that’s a lost art these days. We live in a very disposable society. If the phone acts up, no worries, a new one comes out next year. If you get bored with your car, well go get another one. Animal shelters are filled with dogs and cats that someone decided they didn’t really want after all.

And then there’s social media. How many relationships go sour over Facebook? How many people break up with each other over Twitter, or even more sadistically, via a text?

Where’s the glue that used to help keep couples together long enough to achieve an extended warranty?

It sure seems like couples from WWII and the 1950s stayed together longer. There just weren’t as many options for taking off, starting over, and tossing away a relationship.

Or did the movies just make us think things lasted longer…and were happier?

People are definitely marrying at older ages than they did back in the 1930s and 1940s. These days, a first marriage that ends in divorce usually lasts about 8 years. The good news more people aged 55 and older are getting remarried. Not surprisingly, men are more interested in doing this than women, maybe because studies show men enjoy more health benefits from marriage than women.

Still, I think instead of being so consumed with the latest headlines about who is cheating on whom and which Hollywood couple just made the front page and so on and so on, we should be lauding those who stay together. Through lost jobs. Sleepless nights with a newborn. In-laws. Forgotten birthdays. Recliners and football games. Tears, arguments, and disappointments.

Those who trekked through it all and made it to moments of joy, togetherness, support, fun, and friendship.

Here’s a few odd stats about marriage:

A certain sheikh and his bride decided to have a big wedding—at $100 million dollars, it holds the record for the most expensive one ever (so far).
The oldest couple to divorce (according to the Guinness Book of World Records) had been married 36 years. Both were 98 when they divorced.
The shortest Hollywood marriage on record was between Rudolph Valentino and Jean Acker. She apparently changed her mind during the service and then locked her husband out of the honeymoon suite.

One of the longest marriages on record lasted 86 years, only ending with the death of the husband at the age of 106.

I want to believe boomers are pretty good at sticking together. I want to believe that love prevails. I also know that sometimes the healthiest and best thing is for a couple to part ways, and there’s no shame in that. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and when it’s over, it’s over. I certainly don’t have a success story to tell in matters of the heart.

But to those of you who still look at each other over the morning cereal bowl after 30, 40, 50, 60 years and beyond: congratulations! You are the true celebrities.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

Ruth Bell Graham

Meeting elder loved ones where they are .

05/25/2015 / Laura

The world is changing in every way. Yet while many of us are faced with the same challenges as before, it can just feel much harder when you feel confined within four walls. Living with or taking care of someone with dementia or other cognitive issues is never easy, especially now.

And often it’s even harder: not being able to visit a loved one due to a lockdown of a community. Or, attempting to have a conversation through a glass window or door.

When we love someone, and we see her or him slipping away from us (physically or mentally), it can be so hard. It can leave you feeling helpless, and often, angry.

If your mother or father ever suffered or suffers from Alzheimer’s or dementia, you know how hard it can be to have conversations. Their reality is not the same as yours, and the challenge of trying to adjust to that on the spot can be hard for many adult children. And if your visits are currently limited to a wave from outdoors, the guilt and frustration can be overwhelming.

When my mother’s mind began to fade, she was convinced another woman lived in the house and the clothes in a particular closet were evidence of this. She also would become angry and want to know why I had not come home from school on time (I was fully grown). Many times, she was convinced she saw her mother in the room (her mother had died many, many years before).

It hurt and confused my father, and could make him angry. It frightened some people. And while it could break my heart, I learned a very valuable lesson about communicating with someone with memory challenges..

Don’t argue.

It’s hard for many adult children to accept this. They feel it’s their duty to correct Dad when he says he has to get back with the squadron before it takes off. Or remind Mom that Dad is no longer alive and she shouldn’t set an extra place for him. Or stubbornly demand a parent remember everything correctly when the simple medical fact is, they can’t. You do. But they don’t.

If all your mother or father has left is the life they live in their minds, because physically they can no longer garden, run, travel, cook, or repair the car, let them have those moments of peace. And if your parent is upset about something that just isn’t true (such as how he or she needs to go the bus stop right now and go home), instead of arguing, why not just redirect the conversation into a pleasant memory or topic.

Things change for all of us as we grow older. For someone with dementia, the changes are frightening and lonely. I have watched a lot of futile arguments and the results are everyone is miserable. But when you can just go with the flow, nod your head and smile, and redirect the topic of conversation, things go much better.

Because I believe even as our minds go, one very important thing still is true: we all want to be heard.

Alzheimer’s Association offers this advice for helping your loved one communicate:

Be patient and supportive. Let your loved one know you’re listening, show you care about what he or she is saying, and don’t interrupt.
Offer comfort and reassurance. If they can’t communicate, let them know it’s okay.
Avoid criticizing or correcting. Instead, try to find the meaning of what was said.
Avoid arguing. Even if you don’t agree with what was just said, let it go. Arguing just increases agitation.
Encourage unspoken communication. Ask your loved one if they can point, or gesture, if they are having trouble communicating.
Limit distractions. Try to have your visit in a quiet place so he or she can focus on what they are trying to say.
Focus on feelings, not facts. It’s the emotions that count, not the facts.

Of course trying to do some of these things through a window of an assisted living or memory care community is even harder. But there are some tips from experts on how to stay in touch during these difficult times.

If your loved one can communicate by phone, try to keep a regular schedule for your calls. Same for visits…if every Tuesday at 10 a.m. is a good time, put it on your calendar and let your parent’s caregivers know that’s when you’ll be there. Drop off letters and packages…get the grandchildren involved in making something your loved one can put on the wall or keep to remind them of you. Frame a fun photo. (Do remember to follow cleaning tips with everything you make and deliver. ) Make use of online chats if possible.

Easier said than done I know. But remember you are not alone. Check out caregiver support groups online or talk to a friend or spouse. Even in these times, help is out there if you look for it. Go for a walk and let yourself relax. Take care of yourself as much as you can, and maybe you’ll find it a bit easier to meet your loved ones where they are.