Category: Inner Peace (Page 17 of 20)

How to survive.

10/19/2015 /

I love to hike and be in the outdoors. I recognize the inherent dangers of the wilderness and always try to plan ahead and respect Nature. Like many boomers and beyond, I’ve learned firsthand how foolish it is to take unnecessary risks or be unprepared.

However, so many people have not; they don’t stop to consider they are not ready for higher altitudes, fast weather changes, and all the challenges that come with backcountry exploration, climbing, or any other potential perilous activity.  And then there are those of us who think we are doing everything right and take every precaution, but still get lost, fall off a cliff, lose our footing, or find ourselves treading water.

IMG_0008It’s fascinating to me why some survive harrowing tales of wandering for days in the desert, or getting lost on a mountain trail, or floating on a raft at sea—while others don’t make it.

It could be a vacation mishap. Or a car that goes off the road and is upside down in a ditch for a week. Or being captured in a combat zone and held prisoner.

Why does one person panic when the boat springs a leak, while another calmly considers a solution?

Why does one person live to tell the tale, while another does not?

Obviously you could ask this question about almost any scary situation in life: getting fired, being served divorce papers, coming home to a burgled house, hearing very bad news from the doctor.

In his terrific book, “Deep Survival”, author Laurence Gonzales takes us on an absorbing journey into why some people endure disasters while others do not.

The premise is that there is an art and science to staying alive.

Gonzales talks about the idea of getting lost. “In daily life, people operate on the necessary illusion that they know where they are. Most of the time, they don’t. The only time most people are not lost to some degree is when they are at home. It’s quite possible to know the route from one place to another without knowing precisely where you are.”

Interesting. We head out on adventures and because we have a map in our pocket, we’re sure we know where we are. But quite often, we just have an idea of where we are going.

file0001976741550Should we veer of the path and then get turned out, we are very much lost.

Again, Gonzales applies the stages of getting lost to areas other than a dayhike in the woods. He cites examples of corporations who have veered off their right path and tried something that almost took them to the edge of disaster.

 Bad decisions can leave us in the woods.   But it’s what we do once we’re there that counts.

As Gonzales found in his research, there are people who, stranded with absolutely nothing, find a way to make it alive…while others have everything they need for survival, but they perish.

Some people just give up.

Survivors do not.

 I really enjoyed this book because I have a deep interest in what it takes to be safe and oriented in the great outdoors. But I honestly think the principles can help us in so many other situations.

Gonzales lists 12 points for staying out of trouble, saying “here is what survivors do”: 

  1. Perceive and believe. Recognize and accept the reality of your situation. You have broken your leg. You are in trouble. It’s okay to go through denial, anger, depression, or more, but now it’s time to “go inside” and accept what is happening. 
  1. Stay calm. Whether it’s fear or humor, use it to stay calm. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you 
  1. Think, analyze, plan. Get organized. If you’re in a group, establish a leader. Come up with steps.
  1. Take decisive action. Be bold while also cautious. Decide on yours tasks and do them well. Handle what you can right now, and leave the rest.
  1. Take joy in your successes. You’re very stressed. You are trying to hold your fear at bay. But you just made a fire. Celebrate it! It helps you stay motivated. 
  1. Sing a song. Recite a poem. Do calculus. Keep your mild stimulated and calm. Have a very long way to walk alone? Count each step, and dedicate it to someone you know. 
  1. Count your blessings. Be glad you are alive! Think about the people you care about and be successful for them. 
  1. Enjoy the beauty around you. Be where you are and take it all in. 
  1. Believe you will succeed. Be careful. Make no more mistakes. And believe you will prevail 
  1. Let go of your fears. You might think you’re going to die. Try to surrender to it, and thus get around it. Get off that mountain anyway. 
  1. Have the will and the skill. You know your skills. Now believe anything is doable. Be coldly rational. Do what is necessary. 
  1. Don’t give up. Survivors are not easily frustrated. They know there will be setbacks. They learn from them and keep going.

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Whether you just ran out of water in the desert.

Or your retirement savings have vanished.

Keep your head. Trust your instincts. Believe in yourself.

Be a survivor.

“Knowledge is the key to survival, the real beauty of that is that it doesn’t’ weigh anything.”

     Ray Mears

Is anybody listening?

10/05/2015 /

When did listening become a rare….very rare….talent?

Probably about the same time selfies became the only way to experience anything.

Can we truly not sit still for 5 minutes, letting another person bare their soul, without already coming up with what we want to say, that so often is about us, and not them?

I confess it really bothers me.  I so treasure the people in my life who actually want to hear what is happening in my life, listen to me when I’m in need of another person’s understanding, and not immediately make it relate to them.  And if I’m honest, I only know a few who will do that.  Research says humans generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate.  I have a feeling political candidates in a debate listen about 5% of the time, if that much.
PICT2068Being a good friend (which to me, means listening) is something I work hard at.  Because like anyone, I know there are those days when you just need to vent.  You need to express your frustration over work or relationships.  You want, just for a moment, to get a little empathy for your chronic pain or your work struggles or whatever is vexing you.

Why is it so important?  When you really listen to someone, you are taking them seriously.  You are showing them respect.  You are saying you care without saying a word. That’s something we all want—to be heard, to be acknowledged.

So if you need to tell me about something that matters to you, I listen.  I look at you, I don’t look around the restaurant at other people. (55% of the meaning of our words is derived from facial expressions.)

I do not look at my phone. (Studies suggest we are distracted and/or preoccupied 85% of the time while we are supposedly listening.)

I do not prepare a dialogue about how all this happened to me only yesterday.  (Studies also say we listen at 125-250 words per minute, but we think at 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute.  Uh-oh.)

I’m not a saint, and sometimes I do better than others.  But I really try to hear you, whether you are a friend, a client, or a stranger who needs directions.   And so very often, I don’t get that back.  Not even a smidgen.  It’s sad.

I think most people are innocent in that they don’t realize what they are doing.  We live in such an immediate, reactive, self-absorbed world.  We have to take our picture every 5 minutes.  We have to let everyone know what we’re doing every 5 minutes via Facebook and Twitter.  Our phones are attached to our hands, yet we don’t really communicate with anyone.  Instead, we text 4 words and expect an immediate response.  We don’t write letters anymore pouring our hearts out and thus we never receive any either.

For most people, finding 10 minutes of quiet in a day—sans a device— is not only impossible, it’s not something they want anyway.

I think we are losing each other.  It’s a bit frightening.  Maybe the much younger generation is good with all this.

But I’m not.

And I would hope boomers and beyond are not either.  Because after we’ve retired, or our spouse or friends have passed away, and our lives have grown much smaller, I think we’ll so desperately want someone to talk to—someone who will just listen to us and let us listen to them.

Who will see us and hear us.

I just pray we remember how.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.”

Doug Larson

 

 

Celebrating (?) self-improvement month.

08/31/2015 /

September is self-improvement month.

Uh oh. That could be trouble. Or it could be lots of fun.

I’d really like to hear from some of you what you might choose as a goal. Or are you thrilled with the way you are? Let us all know.

For me, it’s already started. I recently completely emptied my closet out and started over. Donated, re-organized, cleaned, re-thought. Wow, did that feel good.

But then, that’s my closet. It’s not me.

file641274354480So then, I cleaned out three kitchen drawers. Threw away bizarre gadgets that some alien from outer space must have put there (because I have no memory of them). Emptied, cleaned, re-organized.

So that’s an improvement, right? Oh yeah…. those are drawers. Not me.

Guess I have to really look at myself. Am I too set in my ways? Too easily talked into over-indulging in bad food and good wine? Too ready to curse at a clueless driver?

Check, check, and check. Guess I need to work on that.

And how many times a day do I go out of my way to help another person? To smile at a stranger? To cheerfully assist a client who is giving me a migraine? To not sigh in disgust when I watch a political commercial?

Geesh. Will a month be long enough to tackle these character defects?

What about the good things…maybe this is a great time to learn a new hobby. Make a new friend. Volunteer in a new place. Start a new habit that helps the universe.

As boomers and beyond, we’ve spent a lifetime reading self-improvement books. We were around when Evelyn Wood wanted us to read Shakespeare at 500 mph. And Norman Vincent Peale told us to think positively. We learned how to be our best friend.

We worked out. Tuned in. Dropped out. Came back, with a slight limp.

pad-black-and-whiteEvery night there’s a program on television telling us how to become richer, thinner, and healthier. It’s great, but it can be overwhelming. After all, we’ve already worked our whole lives, raised families, cared for parents, and endured any number of health concerns, tragedies, and heartbreaks.

And now they want us to give up Cheetos and sitting on the couch. Dang.

Instead, why not think about something very small, but very important you could do that would make you feel better about who you are? After all, you deserve to be the best you can—and you deserve to enjoy your life.

You’re older. Wiser. But could you be better? Let us know.   And keep rockin’ those wrinkles!

“You are you.  Now isn’t that pleasant?”

         Dr. Seuss

Losing our fear of the dark.

08/24/2015 /

Why are we still afraid of the dark?

Not the dark closet in our bedrooms where the monsters of childhood hide. Not the darkness outside when you think you just heard footsteps by the gate and you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

I’m talking about the dark or “shadow” places of our souls…where our doubts and worries and resentments and unfilled dreams live.

Surely all that is part of us is good, or at least worthy of inspection. We know we can’t be Happy Howard or Smiling Susie all the time. And as boomers and beyond, we are plenty aware that while we would like to think we’ve worked on all our “issues”, there’s still a whole file cabinet filled with squirming toads in the back of our minds.

So why are we so scared to admit it even exists?

file0001976741550Are the shadow parts of ourselves something we should fear and avoid, or embrace as an invitation to live a full life? To be fully human, and know that light always follows darkness?

Writer, professor and Episcopal priest Barbara Brown Taylor explores this quandary in “Learning to Walk in the Dark.” She says:

“If you are my age, you are losing a lot more things than you once did—not just your keys and your vision, but also your landmarks, but also your sense of sense. You are going to a lot more funerals than before. When you read your class notes in the alumni news, they are shorter and near the top all the time. You know full well where this is heading, but you also know you are not ready yet. So how are you supposed to get ready? …. It is time for a walk in the dark.”

 “You have knocked on doors that have not been opened. You have asked for bread and been given a stone. The job that once defined you has lost its meaning; relationships that once sustained you have changed or come to their natural ends. It is time to reinvent everything…it may be time for a walk in the dark.”

Everyone’s “walk” will be unique to what they need to explore, resolve, or even admit to. Is it a passion you let go of?

A love that got away?

A resentment that past abuse or mistreatment robbed you of what you could have been?

The death of a beloved friend or relative?

Or fears about taking the next big step in a relationship or career, or a major change of life?

Taylor talks about how she really does enjoy being outside in the dark. I can relate. We forget how the night can welcome us. How uplifting it can be to study the stars, see a comet grace the sky, or hear an owl’s call under a full moon. As children we loved playing in the dark, that’s when games really took on magic. And when ice cream tasted better. It felt friendly and safe.

8bc72ed7Even now, if you haven’t in a long time, try sitting outside in the dark some evening. Feel the breeze. Watch the clouds if there’s enough moonlight. Listen to what the night is saying. Maybe it’s all trying to tell us that we’ll always face times when walking through a dark forest is the only way to get to our destination.

And the only difference between the lovely woods and that dark forest is lack of light…not a new evil presence. So instead of immediately turning on the flashlight, what if we just trust our senses to get through the dark patch, knowing it might get easier each time we did?

In other words, if we let our eyes adjust to the dark…who knows what we might see?

 

“What makes night within us may leave stars.”

Victor Hugo

 

 

 

 

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